Reminiscing

Have you ever spent the last half an hour of your day going through old pictures of your children? You are tired beyond belief and you have an early start the next day, you still can’t put that phone away because you are so engrossed in the memories, you don’t want the spell to break.

Have you ever put your kids to bed, intending to have a few hours of sanity to yourself to unwind. Only to dig 3 years deep into your phone gallery and watch videos when they were 2 years old. Even though you will get to see their lively faces in the morning, chatting away non stop, demanding your attention towards anything they find remotely interesting. You still want to keep going, taking in those precious memories, reliving every moment in the videos that you can’t get enough of.

Even if it’s been a crazy day with emotional meltdowns being the highlight. You couldn’t wait for the day to be over and when they are finally having some shut eye and you couldn’t be more relieved, all you want is some downtime where you want everything to be calm, you find yourself skimming through old shots, wondering how can someone be so adorable, how did you manage to make something so special?

Have you ever lost your marbles over someone else’s new born? You couldn’t help trying to find out videos and pictures from your own birth announcements. You knew it would make you feel like an emotional train wreck, you were willing to take that chance because nothing comes closer to reliving that time of your life.

I have been through all of these situations and more. Why do I do this to myself? I often wonder.

Maybe I am trying to reflect on the good times that went by like a breeze. Looking at them laughing in those pictures, to replay the happiness that emanates from those times.

Maybe I just want to go back in time and feel what I felt back then. To see the various stages of childhood we have been through together, to see where we came from and where we are headed. That we have been together through thick and thin and that we make an incredible team.

Maybe I simply want to remember those high pitched shrieks of a toddler. The baby talk that once made my heart melt, the sparkle in their eyes when they made eye contact with me. The way those eyes would be searching for me if I was not within their clear vision.

Maybe I just want inspiration. When I watch these beautiful moments I have helped save all these years, I feel amazed. Amazed at how grown up they are now. I am amazed at all the hard times that came and went without damaging my resolve. I am amazed that I was a part of all of that and I am still doing this with all my heart. Amazed at how little I thought of myself and what I have been able to achieve. I am truly amazed at this little miracle of mine.

Maybe, all I want is validation, that I did my best and I am a good mother. That I have loved and nurtured this child with all that I had and I will keep giving my all, unconditionally. That they can look around, find me and instantly feel safe. Loved.

Maybe it’s one of those difficult phases of this journey like why I have stretch marks all over me? Why did I lose so much hair post partum? Why do I keep hearing a baby crying while I’m shopping in a supermarket when mine isn’t a baby anymore?

Maybe, it’s the realisation that I made it through another day without a scratch. Because, I’ve locked myself in rooms and weeped to my heart’s content. This isn’t easy and it takes a toll on my emotional and mental well being. A picture’s worth a thousand words and when you have a million of those, the stories they tell are incredible. So, maybe, reminiscing through those pictures and videos is a way of telling myself,” Look! You thought it was all so hard but you did it! You have done an incredible job.”

Maybe it’s all part and parcel of the magic that is motherhood.